9th December

Solar Question of the Day from Celtic Devotional by Caitlin Matthews
9th of December:
What skills need to come into play in your life?

First response, before a full cup of tea–time management, efficiency, and the dragon-lady. If I do this, things will probably get or feel much nastier, at least for a bit, than they are now. This might produce more stress for me, which is what I wish to avoid(probably dragging things out longer, a lot like when trying to get a kiddo to sleep through the night). Though I stop and cock my head to the side thinking that I might rather have to lose any skill of the usage of compassion for others too. I’d have to kick my butt for that too. Why is it, that there always seeeeems to be this choice between others and me. Why don’t the others work with me, just as hard for win-win situations? Going to stop this track for now, I was stating fact, but if I sit here long enough the poor-mes and depression will crop up, and I haven’t got the time to waste the last of my time to myself doing such a stupid thing!

Oh, there is a skill, detachment, perhaps I used to use it more in the past so that I could be me and others were them, and things were more of a dance? Though, I felt like I had better control of the music, on, off–you know?

Off now, and back maybe later with more thinks.

Back, already! The Tao choices and something else that quietly fluttered through my head, kept saying, If Only…

This made me laugh at me, however it’s a trick, sometimes there is cause and effect and one simply cannot blow that off, no matter Good Orderly Direction. So, I thought, at least to remember the words to test HOW I was using the If Only. I searched quotes, and found AA stuff. I’ve been very fortunate to be sober for a long time. I don’t read the AA text, though I keep it close upstairs. The if only quote HA comes way from the beginning in How It Works. I will look in my copy at page 449, the old book. The clock keeps showing me that when I wake daily needing water at said hour and I see it again. I have thought of page 449, some people marked it for me way back when. I’ll probably laugh when I read it.

So, here is the quote from How It Works,
“The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self- sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

What usually happens? The show doesn’t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn’t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?”

The parts after it, went on and on about not having a self. I do not remember that part back then. I really, currently have a HUGE GIANT anti-thought about not having self and the rush to be ONE. God gave us, us, a soul, a spirit. So, it’s a reason to stop reading there. But, when I read it before, at the beginning, years ago. I read it as those sort of people who can’t think of anyone but themselves, who cannot identify, who abuse others and so on and so forth. And having been so badly abused and being denied expression of who God made me to be. I used the words to attempt to have compassion for them, to understand them. To understand, that there was no better I, that I could be for them, because they were driven do do what they would do. I could choose to seek out my soul joy in whatever small niche that was left for me. (which is both amazing and pathetic at once and has me tearing up)

I just really sit here and crying and can’t imagine that I am meant to be in a world where no one notices who I am and how I feel and what I need, even when I venture to tell them. My self-will before, had me do destructive things to myself. Self will now, for the longest time has been shouting, let me free, let me out, let me enjoy those pathetic things without threat of being sworn at, or physically threatened, to simply feel the warmth of a hug or an appropriate human touch.

Where does my right to create what is good and healthy for me stop? How much do I have to tolerate of others before I send them away? Does that mean that I have to be alone? Does that being alone, mean that I’m too picky? Boundaries are important, we are taught that, but in setting them, I am also setting the stage and expecting the actors to do as I wish or firing them. I guess, again I’m feeling a LOT stuck.

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