27th December

Solar Question of the Day from Celtic Devotional by Caitlin Matthews
27th of December
What new idea is seeding itself in you this Winter?

2013: Thoughts through the day changing on this one. I did try to harness it down to one thought highway, but alas it wanted to go six lanes, as per usual and defied being contained ‘properly’. Who makes up this ‘rule’ about being contained and having one answer, a short direct answer anyway? Oh, gee, there is another off-ramp that might want to become lane seven!

I continue to get jabs and running rants of house clearing clutter dumping. I think I am beginning to dislike the word clutter and to see the damage that such an idea of clutter might or can contain. That said, many books are making their way off to new homes at the library. I am noting routine and is actually ritual, ritual that contains meaning, though I might not be able to identify what.

There was a bad episode today with Z’s father. I am feeling and thinking now that he is not so safe at the moment and I’m feeling powerless over doing something about it. Someone called me back while the father was in a ranting rave, but didn’t speak to me. I had called Z back because his words and his tone let me know that something wasn’t right and that due to father making him communicate, he was too literal and got frustrated and caused a blow out up there. I offered to correct things. But Z said no, nevermind and then I got the silent call back. I am writing this here as I am thinking of the letter burning and the box smashing that I completed yesterday. I surely hope that I did not undo a thing that I did that kept a binding of sorts on the situation that was rather violently undone–perhaps burning things, even with a neutral letting go and an offering of freedom, in the event of a binding, isn’t such a peaceable thing. (ha peaceable is part of today’s blog posting)

Seeding. I do not really feel that I know which things are true and which things are still often a focus. Things follow a pattern because they work for most of us in that way. The pattern allows healthy behavior and optimal situational outcomes. The tricky bits seem to come afterwards. If I did my job well, there are no symptoms, there is self accommodation of differences, there is NO issue (apparent to me nor to others) This does not mean that ASD and ADHD has passed. It can allow me the error of going too much to the let it fly part, with disastrous and insensitive results. I wonder, if in seeking optimal there is only a moment by moment choice and outcome in each bit of time that will always change. I wonder if while wishing best quality of life. I measure this by level of fix. With both the fix and perhaps the measure being inside of the creation of the optimal area. This isn’t (but might be) real life and doesn’t reflect generalization nor outside and unfamiliar circumstances. The word that I might be seeking is CONTROL. Control has all of its wonderful horrid meanings along with the ones attributed to successes.

If I spend the rest of my life trying to work that out. I am going to be sucked up tired and sad. If I do not do it, it means that I’m numb and that I have given up on the children.

Seeding. My inner heart has leapt at the idea of freedom coming when Z goes off to college, if even for a month in case he is incapable of managing the living environment away from home. I used to think that I did so well at carving out things for me. It allowed my energy to go out freely and to build itself no matter life on life’s terms–mostly. It hasn’t seemed that way in such a long time. Did it get messed due to life? a stopping of ritual? a lack of this or that? Is it just truly tiring and draining to be in the life that this family has? sigh

I think with the cleaning I am recalling breaking large seeming things down into smaller ones. I think that I might try an experiment. If I carry an idea in my head that I am trapped and that this idea is correct. I will be free in September. What will I do with it? How long will I sit and spin? How much is the restless spin, unsettled desire not able nor willing to focus upon anything just me. I will be with me wherever I go. I might be ‘suffering’ for nothing! Small things that feel right. If a small thing is a part of a big thing and I decide that the big thing is good and it requires a plan. Try a simple plan. Ask for help making a plan should executive function be out of whack.

I wonder if clutter clearing is just a way to get the house cleaned and to have a person seeking things outside of themselves as reasons or excuses for feeling icky, when in the end the house is spotless, one might need to go out and buy a new pot, as one really used it, and one is still a bored nervous wreck–now a painfully obvious one cause that clutter was the walls of the house covering the insides!

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