22nd December

Solar Question of the Day from Celtic Devotional by Caitlin Matthews
22nd December
What do you need to learn in order to be more confident?

2013: I read this question this morning before doing the entire suggested reading. I then decided to try and update this section of Noticing Nature. I didn’t answer it then as I like to do the entire thing in order and to not be distracted or pushed by obligatory feelings to crank it out. My initial thoughts and thoughts now still, toss about the idea of me having to be more anything. Due to maths and advertising techniques, more implies need and less than-ness. I dislike the wording of the question. It requests me to find fault with how I feel about myself and thus doing the opposite, causing me to doubt that my confidence and worth is enough. I then began worrying that I was stubborn over the question because I have an issue with it. I had occasion to laugh at myself while I was working on the solar pages. I caused a wee screw up that appeared to be a major one in moving pages and linking them and then ordering them. I ranted and I cursed at myself and then I burst out laughing at the mess and I uttered the words…Ok God, I really wish I was more confident about coding and working in layers specifically on WordPress, and other places too. Are mistakes and flubs really about confidence? I suppose that they can be if they prevent one from attempting or expressing themselves. If one shuts down entirely.

I also consider now that I have had to learn the lesson of being able to be LESS confident. If my confidence is another’s arrogance, it does not help me to communicate. It is not always so much that I care what others think. I believe that it is more about the model of back and forth communication. Encoding and decoding. Perceptions and experiences and the self worth of the decoder can really alter what I intend to send forth. I suppose, if I twist this about, I have then had to become more confident in my ability to be able to alter an encoding situation so that others translate in the manner in which I intended.

Is confidence pride? If pride is self esteem, which it is to me, people are programmed that pride is a sin. We are immediately punished then and told that we have self-esteem issues. very odd to me.


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