Opened the window to robin tweets and crow caws, rain running down the drain spout, tires shusshing on the road. Tried a bunch of things to avoid a beginning here. Clenched down very hard and angry feeling on it. Sighed and thought well just for Today I could do it. And So, Smudged and greeted the day.
I sent out a silent thought that I missed feeling the energy in my hands from the last time I did this task and how it would not be the same without it and that is my big ‘why’ that I haven’t kept it up. Rationalization or truth, I do not yet know. Not of free joy like before no. I note that I am not still. Not grounded and the mind attempts to wrest another refusal to do this committment as what good is it at all if I am ungrounded.
Stopped and shifted my sight, and I got that moment and flash of answering energy before inner chatter wiped it from what I perceive as my ability. Smiled and laughed and thanked them for exposing this lie and yet, giving me a target an aim for that feeling. I sit in partial site for a moment to play with my bearings.
Time to shuffle and to draw. Again the chatter in the head how many to do EVERY DAY FOR 90 DAYS, maybe I’d only do one NO three. Arguing in my head. Shifted back into sight and it didn’t matter anymore and no harm for the hands to do whatever number occurred each time. No need for certain this or certain that. Those limits only belong to me and I can keep them even until I make me insane.
Three cards down. All signify blocks. Giggling at that, go figure!
Awakening your true self--you have given up your Self, friends, interests in order to try to fit into another’s lifestyle. Yes, I have for years. Is this part of normal give and take? Is this cunning, baffling, powerful? Better still, am I able to reclaim me, while still being in balance with what I think I want. My brain wishes to do the all or nothing move. I fear that. Both the letting go and that I tend to all or nothing and then I pay, often when such a choice is not needed. I tend only to see the options I can see and no other possibilities.
I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO BE TRUE TO MYSELF.
Visualization–Block clairvoyance from fear. True and this is part of the first card. What I let this person do ‘to’ me, to do to myself to follow their lack of faith in anything. To cater to demands for more and to forget what I am. I think I want to place blame for this and I do not know what to do about it yet.
IT IS SAFE FOR ME TO SEE I AM A VERY VISUAL PERSON.
Make Music–Sing keep music near for days–haven’t used it in years and not much feels right. I remember this to be a sign of not being grounded for me. I can’t tolerate much of what I used to listen to. Playing fire works for me.
DEEP WITHIN MY SOUL, I NOW ACCEPT AND EXPERIENCE THE HEALING POWER OF MUSIC.
Here ends the first post, in gratitude.